NEWS ALERT: There Is Little to Report Since Earth Has Officially Closed

Reporting from the safety of my couch, there is zilch to report these days since Earth has gone on lockdown . . . indefinitely.

How quickly we’ve adjusted to our apocalyptic world.

A mere two weeks ago, it was a scene of panicked shopping on top of each other at grocery stores chock-full of empty shelves.

And now we stand outside of Trader Joe’s in a calm and orderly fashion, waiting six-feet apart to enter.

Once inside, it’s a Zen oasis of fully stocked shelves with 20 other shoppers all playing the game of “stay the hell out of my personal bubble” in impassably narrow aisles (this is cramped Washington, DC after all).

Each winner is sent home with the cherished prize of staying mostly healthy and in one piece!

Quarantining: Week #2 in the Books

So, we’ve wrapped up Week 2 of our new self-isolation lifestyles. And it could be proceeding in different ways.

Option #1: Stir-crazy/cabin-fever/the desperate urge to run far, far away from your family

Option #2: Full adaptation/hibernation

View this post on Instagram

Getting some serious “Me” time in…

A post shared by Women's Humor (@womenshumor) on

Kim K., lead us to the promised land.

In Other News, We Still Have Old-Timey Commercials from a Bygone Era

Being house-bound, it’s hard to avoid network television these days.

While taking in the latest cataclysmic news coverage, pre-epidemic commercials puncture the tension with ads to “call today to have your roof replaced”.

Or “call for a bathroom makeover with the installation of a seamless shower!”

Call this stud. He’ll do your bathroom makeover at the very low price of free.

Let’s see how well these pre-apocalyptic commercials fit in with our new world disorder.

#1: Buy Go Gurts for your kids’ school lunches cuz nothing says I love you like sending your children off to school nowadays.

We all know full well that kids are going to be home-schooled ‘til the year 2025.

So, no need to pack that lunch for a millennium or two, even though you’ve been praying hard for schools to re-open tomorrow so that you can find some elusive peace and quiet.

View this post on Instagram

Tilt your head a little to the left for me

A post shared by Neat Dad (@neatdad) on

Hey, maybe you’ll even make a little money on the side while Jimmy’s home!

#2: Buy a new Ford truck today.

Truck Omg GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

How did they read my mind? I do have places to go and things to haul.

Wait a minute. There’s nowhere to go and I don’t own a construction business.

Sadly . . . pass.  

#3: Go to Lowe’s for all your lawn care needs so that you can then lounge in a hammock without a care in the world.

Most people do seem deeply concerned right now with how their lawn will look when the world ends.

I don’t even own a lawn yet, but I’m going to start fretting over an imaginary one straight away!

#4: Head to your local mall to pick yourself up Vanity Fair bras.

Ladies, you deserve support, especially all the mothers out there!

There’s a small hiccup though: all malls are now a public health hazard and therefore closed.

As far as support goes, the world is ending. We could all use a little support right about now.

Maybe every man, woman, child, and robot should be wearing a bra. . . .

#5: Take Huggies Baby Wipes with you on your next stroll in the park with your wee one in case they have a wee-wee emergency and need to be changed immediately on a park bench.

Nope. Stay inside, stay alive.

This fella’s following proper protocols.

#6: Zyrtec Allergy: “Do your sneezes turn heads?”

Indubitably. Whose aren’t these days?

If Zyrtec prevents and/or cures COVID-19, I’m all in.

So, the world has officially ended. There is no more normalcy. Our fave companies above must not have gotten the memo just yet.

With all this furious teleworking, it is slowing down internet speeds.

Thrilling Live Sports Coverage!

But apparently, ESPN received the memo. Their live sports coverage took a very compelling turn in the last couple of weeks:

Ibaka masters toilet paper challenge … without toilet paper”.

I don’t even understand what this newfangled sport is or how an NBA player got involved, but sign me up. What else have I got going on?

How others have taken on the “toilet paper challenge”.

Next up, exclusive coverage of America’s Dodge Ball Continental Cup: USA vs. Canada.


We won’t even remember that we were given a lousy rain-check for the Summer Games with all this international, high-intensity action!

Can’t seem to find Ben Stiller on the American team though . . . he must be over-qualified.

Finally, ESPN reassures us, “If you’re missing American football, you should try League of Legends”.

Indeed, full-contact, concussion-causing football is equivalent to an online multi-player video game. The similarities are eerie:

“Ready, set. Sit down.”

All in all, these are three new sports that I would join fantasy leagues for.

ESPN might want to consider adding heart-racing, grocery store social distancing to its line-up. The stakes have never been higher!

So, since the Earth is officially closed, we now have proof that all noteworthy and interesting things have also ceased.

However, this nugget of insight might just be what we’ll need to survive in the post-apocalyptic world.

View this post on Instagram

Ugh get it together, anxiety @jpbrammer

A post shared by Lola Tash and Nicole Argiris (@mytherapistsays) on

Facing our next end-of-the-world scenario, we won’t even be surprised when we find ourselves battling against dinosaurs to ensure the survival of the human race (no, the statistically-improbable perils never end).

Coping in Place

So, does watching commercials bring you comfort from simpler times? Or hope for things to come?

And how’s your toilet paper challenge unraveling?

Stay safe and sane, my friends!


2 thoughts on “NEWS ALERT: There Is Little to Report Since Earth Has Officially Closed

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s