BREAKING NEWS: Unprecedented Levels of Breaking News Has Officially Broken the News

Need a break from the bombardment of breaking news? Let’s see how the show goes on with social distancing—or the lack thereof—in Washington, DC!

Even though we’ve somehow collectively stumbled into a heart-racing contagion film (Dustin Hoffman, where are you to save the human race?!), things are proceeding under the mantra: the show must go on.

In fact, here in Washington, DC, it’s hard to detect that there’s a raging global pandemic. In my unprofessional opinion, life seems to be rolling along like normal.

Let us count the ways.

#1: The Washington Monument still standing at attention? Check.

#2: The Beltway infuriatingly congested? You better believe it.

#3: Crowds flocking to the tidal basin to photograph the fleeting cherry blossoms for Instagram, ignoring all social distancing guidelines? Check.

#4: Undeterred mani/pedi enthusiasts treating themselves to some urgently needed self-care at the local salon? Check.

#5: Group exercise classes and pick-up basketball games defiantly carrying on in public parks? Check.

Not exactly in DC or playing basketball. . . .

#6: Strangers dangerously penetrating that 6-feet of life-saving personal space on the walkway to get that afternoon jog in all the while huffing and puffing on each other? Check.

#7: Playgrounds open and in full swing? Check.

So, as we can see, life here in DC goes on pretty much like normal (note: none of these videos actually came from DC, but you get the drift).

Hunting & Gathering

Of course, the one glaring exception is the overall food situation, which is universal. The thought weighing on everyone’s mind is:

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Where art thou dorito @mybestiesays

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I can relate. I, too, am ill-equipped to hunt and forage.

Last week, the surprise of discovering all the microwavable popcorn plucked from its usual growing spot (AKA the grocery store shelf) drove me straight into the loving arms of a tub of chocolate-peanut butter ice cream (in aisle 7) for comfort.

But in a rare turn of events, my local grocery store was stocked with fresh produce, so it was hard to stay down for long.

The Apocalypse Is Going to Last How Long, You Say?

As the world continues to spin on its head, the most pressing question on everyone’s mind is how long this dystopian disaster could last. . . .

It was a jaw-dropping moment to hear an epidemiologist place bets on 12 – 18 months. Bragging rights no one wants to hold if that nightmare scenario comes to fruition!

As far as unforeseen consequences go, we have the following:

Don’t worry. It’ll grow out . . . some day.

The domino effect could be grave.

Pro-creating could plummet in the interim such that the experts’ predicted baby boom would actually be a total baby bust. This would result in a dramatic drop in the number of children named Arya, Sansa, and John Snow.

That’s just unacceptable.

Solution: Permanently add a baseball cap to your uniform of daytime and nighttime pajama wear. Sleep, shower, and hold video calls with it on. Nothing less than the future of the human race is at stake.

So, things are humming along in my neck of the woods.

Here in DC, many people keep acting like everything is normal, but who are they kidding?

But I hope you’re staying safe and healthy!

How is sheltering in place treating you? How are you maintaining your sanity during these crazy times?

Spill the tea—I’m starved for social contact (another cursed thing you can’t find on the grocery store shelves these days).


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